


I'm Not Supposed To Be This Way

by theundeadsiren (rhoen)



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 10:19:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2147025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhoen/pseuds/theundeadsiren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[For #saveintheflesh challenge organised by intheflesh-art on tumblr.]</p><p>Rick's hates what's happening to him - he has feelings for another guy that won't go away. Despite the fact that it's his best friend he's fallen for, Kieren is the only person Rick feels he can turn to for help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Supposed To Be This Way

**Author's Note:**

> "We’re not ‘infected’; we’re not ‘sick’. There’s nothing wrong with us."
> 
> I'm sure it's no surprise to anyone who knows me that the above prompt/inspiration resulted in a RickRen fic.
> 
> [[Un-beta'd. All mistakes are my own]]

**You may not take this fic and edit or reupload it - in whole or in part - without my express permission. This includes translations.**

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Thank you for respecting my wishes

* * *

“Ren, can I ask you something?”

Rick hadn’t quite meant to say anything. This wasn’t the time – if there ever was such a thing – and the PE changing rooms just after break certainly wasn’t the place, but he’d been unable to hold back the question he’d been fretting over for so long that suddenly burnt through his tongue. Already pulling the door open, Kieren paused, letting go of the handle and allowing the door to swing shut as he turned back towards Rick. Rick couldn’t watch as his best friend walked over to where he was sat on the uncomfortable slatted bench, staring at the tiled floor and fidgeting with the locker key in his hands. It was the reason Kieren was here; having forgotten his own key and been unable to access the art room until third period, he’d borrowed Rick’s this morning, agreeing to return it after break. This was supposed to be a study period for them both – Kieren in the art room, Rick out on track. Rick swallowed thickly as Kieren sat down beside him. His thoughts were a tangled mess, all trying to drown out the one terrifying question: ‘ _am I really about to ask him this?’_

“You okay?”

Kieren broke his reverie. Rick nodded, fingers gripping the metal in his hand too tightly. He loosened his grip a fraction, acutely aware of where the jagged edge had bitten into his skin.

“Yeah,” he lied, “Yeah, I’m good. I’m…”

He glanced up at his friend. Kieren was watching him patiently, soft brown eyes catching Rick’s as soon as he looked at Kieren’s face. Pain blossomed in Rick’s chest, and he hurriedly tore his gaze away. He didn’t understand it. He knew what it was – what it had been for a long, long time – but it shouldn’t be like this. He shouldn’t feel this way…

“Ren, I think there’s something wrong with me.”

His voice broke, coming out as barely more than a strained whisper. He felt scared, suddenly overwhelmed by what he was finally admitting aloud. He was aware of how pathetic he sounded. Never would he have dreamed of ever letting his guard down like this in front of anyone, but he had to know. He knew something was wrong inside himself, and he needed to know how to fix it. He had tried dealing with the problem on his own, but nothing had worked. Kieren was the only person he knew who he felt he could turn to and trust to keep it secret, and to not judge or ridicule him, but it had still taken him this long to pluck up the courage to ask. And even then, it wasn’t courage that had made him blurt it out, it was just… sadness, overwhelming sadness. Rick hated the way he was. It was making him miserable, and he would do anything to make it stop.

Kieren didn’t speak, seemingly waiting for Rick to ask the question that was on his mind. They sat in silence for several moments, Kieren giving Rick the space to find the words and Rick trying to find the strength to say them. The silence was filled by the mechanical buzz of the strip lighting above them and deafening beat of Rick’s heart which was so loud he swore Kieren had to be able to hear it. When he finally opened his mouth, he thought he would choke on his own pulse, the fear of what he was about to say suffocating him.

“I don’t know how to say this. I don’t want to be this way, I just want it to stop. Please… please don’t judge me, Ren.”

“I would never.”

Rick fervently hoped that was the truth. He sat there, trapped in his own thoughts again. He knew Kieren would never intentionally hurt him, but his involuntary reaction… he hoped it wouldn’t be one of disgust or ridicule. Was he really about to admit this? He glanced sideways to where Kieren was fidgeting with his own fingers in his lap, the way he invariably did when they weren’t busy with a brush or pen. He watched the slender digits move, trying to focus on whatever pattern it might be that they were following, at the same time forcing the words out before his brain could catch up with he was doing.

“I think I like guys.”

Kieren’s double-take was so subtle Rick could easily have missed it if he weren’t looking; for the briefest of moments, Ren’s hands stilled completely. Rick’s heart sank sickeningly.

“Like? Like, like-like?”

Rick managed a humourless snort of laughter at the repeated word. His body slumped, defeated. The words were out there. He’d seen Kieren’s reaction. The fear dissipated. There was just… nothingness. His heart still beat too fast inside a now empty shell, but the rest of his body… He didn’t know what to feel.

“Yeah, like-like,” he confirmed, his voice as hollow as he felt.

“And why do you think that? Do you like guys in general, or,” Rick heard Kieren swallow thickly around his words, as if struggling to ask the question, “or is it just one guy you like?”

“Just this one guy,” he admitted flatly, thinking briefly that it might even be easier if it was just ‘guys in general’.

“You’re sure y-?”

“Look, Ren, I really wouldn’t be hiding here in the changing rooms admitting this crap to you if it was something I wasn’t sure about or could make go away on my own.” He hadn’t meant to cut over him – Ren had been decent enough not to walk out on him or laugh in his face. Rick softened his tone apologetically. “Believe me, I’ve tried.”

“’Kay” Kieren nodded softly. He was pushing himself to sit further upright, his hands retracting from his lap to hide in the safety of his hoodie pockets. Ren did that when he was insecure.

Rick stared at the floor, hating himself. It felt as if something had been taken from underneath him, and he had no idea how he was supposed to stay standing. He had always felt vulnerable around Kieren, but never like this. Now Kieren knew the truth – or at least part of it. At least he hadn’t laughed or spat in Rick’s face, but Rick couldn’t help but be affected by the subtle reactions and the way his closest friend seemed to be withdrawing from him.

“So, you wanted to ask me something?” Kieren asked at length, his voice carefully neutral. Rick hesitated, trying to remind himself that the worst was over - there was only one thing he could say that would damage their friendship even further, and he took a moment to be thankful he hadn’t let it slip. He would never tell Ren. Those words were admission of such a fiercely guarded secret, something that had become so much a part of who Rick was that he sometimes forgot it was a part of himself that hadn’t always been there. It shouldn’t be there at all. It was something wrong and twisted, but even through all the emptiness bearing down on him Rick found himself almost treasuring it. This secret he got to keep. His mind traced over the volatile truth, before he pushed it aside. He wanted to be just Kieren’s friend again, and for all of those fucked up undertones to his thoughts to vanish. In undoing one thing, maybe the other would follow.

“How do I make it go away?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught the perplexed look that crossed Kieren’s face for a fleeting second, before he gave a short, humourless laugh that nettled Rick.

“What, being gay?”

“I’m not gay,” he insisted, eyes immediately locking onto Kieren’s as he forcefully repeated himself. “I’m not fuckin’ gay, Ren. I don’t perv on guys in the shower after PE or anything like that. I’m not some fuckin’ freak who gets off on that or on…”

His realised his voice was far too raised. Giving a furtive glance towards the door, he softened his tone, but repeated himself with just as much gravity. “I’m not gay, Ren. It’s just this one guy.”

“...Who?”

The question was hesitant, almost as if Kieren didn’t want to know the answer. Rick wasn’t about to tell him. If he’d fallen for anyone else, he would probably tell Kieren who it was at some point, if he really wanted to know, but it wasn’t like that. Rick just exhaled slowly, trying to organise his thoughts.

“No one interesting,” he lied.

“Are they into guys?”

“No. Why the fuck would they be?”

Kieren shrugged, "Some guys just are. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

Rick chose to ignore Kieren’s comment, saying nothing until Kieren spoke again.

“Are they seeing anyone just now?”

“Not that I know of.”

Rick hated the idea of Kieren with anyone, in part because that would mean Ren hadn’t told him about whoever she was, but mostly because that would open up a new, horrific chapter of jealousy and painful reminders that he could never have Kieren – who he shouldn’t even want in the first place. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kieren shrug.

“Well maybe they like you back. You never know who likes who… How long have you liked them?” Kieren’s voice seemed oddly flat, as if he’d rather not be having this conversation at all. Rick couldn’t blame him. He didn’t quite know why Kieren was even still here when there was an art project he could be working on.

“Long enough.”

It was actually a little over a year and a half since he’d noticed the small things piling up, pointing towards the uncomfortable truth that he might not think of his best friend in an entirely platonic way. He’d brushed it off as a ‘we’ve-been-friends-for-a-long-time’ thing at first, but when it became clear that that wasn’t the case, he’d tried ignoring the problem, then denying it, then fighting it. It hadn’t gone away. He’d tried giving it time, he’d tried falling for someone else… Kieren wasn’t a bad person at all, but Rick hated looking in the mirror and seeing the face of someone who had fallen for another guy. He wasn’t supposed to be that way. Ren deserved better than a stupid, shameful failure like him anyway. Even as friends, Rick knew he couldn't follow where Kieren was going - he wasn't smart or creative enough to have a future like that.

“Would you try going out with someone else if they were interested in you?”

Rick shook his head slowly. He’d tried that too , but going out with Emma Brookhouse hadn’t helped in the slightest. The whole thing had just made him feel worse. If he’d dated someone two years below him then maybe it would have lasted longer, and he would’ve had a more legitimate excuse for not wanting to sleep with them. Having next to no interest in fucking a girl who was, by all accounts, extremely pretty made him feel worthless in ways he’d never before imagined. He’d found himself resenting Kieren, which was, he regularly reminded himself, extremely unfair. Kieren wasn’t the reason he was like this – it was his own fault.

“What about if another guy showed interest?”

Torn from his thoughts, Rick shot a glare at Kieren.

“Christ, Ren, I’m not gay,” he reiterated. He didn’t miss the way Kieren’s lips pressed tightly together, almost as if he were pained by Rick’s blunt response. Kieren should stop asking though. Rick wasn’t gay. It was just this one guy, no one else, he promised himself. He wanted this stupid chapter to end so he could go back to being normal and dating girls. There was no way he would ever fall for another guy.

Glancing over, he noticed how Kieren was fixated on the space between his own knees. His voice was strangely distant when he spoke.

“Is that really so bad?”

“Is what?”

“Liking guys – or a guy?”

Rick hesitated with his reply. Was it really so bad? For a second he allowed himself to wonder if he’d gotten it all wrong. For a fleeting, fearful moment, he worried that he’d been so wound up over something that was actually so insignificant it was laughable; that _he_ was laughable. Well, he was a fucking joke, but it wasn’t because fancying your best mate was a stupid thing to get so worked up over, it was because fancying your best mate – who was a guy – was fucking wrong on so many levels he didn’t even know where to begin. Something was wrong with him – with anyone – who fell for a guy when there were so many good-looking girls around. Rick knew girls were attractive. He kept telling himself that, even though he couldn’t even hold the fantasy of one for long before thought and images of Ren rose unbidden to the surface. Yeah, fancying a guy really was that bad. Rick couldn’t stand the shamefulness of some of the thoughts and impulsive desires that had crossed his mind.

“Yeah,” he finally responded, grateful for the fact he didn’t blush easily, “it really is.”

“Rick?”

Kieren’s tone startled him, made him glance across. He found Ren looking right at him, his expression full of desperate sincerity, his beautiful, deep brown eyes locked on him. Rick's stomach plummeted at the same time his heart rose to his throat, thrashing out a frighteningly fast pace. He suddenly couldn’t understand the words he’d just said. When Kieren looked at him like that, he felt willing to give absolutely anything just to hear his feelings reciprocated, or for Ren to gently lean across and kiss him. The longing for any kind of acceptance or touch set every nerve in Rick’s body alight and he sat there, petrified by the overwhelming sensation of it all. He could never reach out and close the distance himself, no matter how desperately he wanted to.

The world had completely shifted. Nothing else existed. Nothing else held any meaning, only the way Kieren looked at him in that moment.

“I-” Kieren seemed to trip over the syllable, glancing down momentarily, before looking directly at Rick again. “Whatever you think, Rick, it’s okay. You’re not sick or broken or anything like that. There’s nothing wrong with you. Just… be yourself. Please? Nothing’s going to change how I feel about you – ever. And that’s a promise, ‘kay?”

Rick could barely manage a nod, thrown off guard by the way Kieren was looking at him and confused by the sudden urgent sincerity with which Ren spoke. Seemingly satisfied with the minimal movement Rick had made, Kieren broke eye contact, shifting his gaze stare at a point on Rick’s chest. He wondered if he had a loose thread. Mostly, though, he wondered if Kieren would ever come to consider in his darkest nightmares that he was the one Rick had fallen for. Rick determined to let him keep his promise though – there was no way he could ever tell Ren how he felt about him.

“You gonna go work on your project?” Rick asked. He suddenly wanted to be very alone. Kieren’s gaze shifted from whatever it was on Rick’s chest to a spot on the floor.

“Yeah, might as well…” he agreed. After a pause, he stood, hands still thrust deep in his hoodie pockets. “Thanks for the loan of the locker key, by the way.”

Rick looked down at the thing still in his hand. Several new bite marks had appeared where the metal had pressed too firmly into his skin. He placed it on the bench to his side.

“Yeah, anytime…”

He didn’t watch as Kieren walked to the door, but did raise his head when Ren paused, turning back to face him before he pulled the door open.

“And Rick... thanks for talking to me about it. I meant what I said.”

Rick managed to give him a flicker of a smile, “Thanks for listening.”

And with that Kieren pulled the door open, and was gone.

Rick sat there, staring after him. He'd gotten no reciprocal forced smile. He didn’t move. He would remember how to function in a minute, he told himself, shifting his gaze from the door to the place on the bench Ren had occupied. He’d sat close enough for Rick to reach out and touch him, if he'd dared. He tested the distance now, his fingers brushing against the wooden bench, which was still warm.

His heart was still racing. He thought of the look Kieren had given him, and the way he’d spoken his name so softly and so… Rick fleetingly allowed himself to pretend it had been said almost lovingly. He’d needed Kieren to go. He wanted to be on his own right now, to try and process what had happened. Slowly, Rick drew in his limbs, balancing awkwardly on the bench as he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around them. He buried his face in his knees, closing his eyes and trying to find any comfort he could the emptiness of the changing room, the cold silence of the brick walls and the darkness where he pressed his face against the worn fabric of his trackies. He’d get changed soon, out of the PE clothes he hadn’t needed and back into his uniform for his next class, but for now he used the time he had to be completely alone.

It wasn’t fair. He clung onto himself, trying to draw in steady breaths and then exhale again without his emotions tremoring the airflow. Everything he did to try and distance himself from the way he felt about Kieren backfired. He wished there was some other way to fix what was wrong with him. He wanted to look back on this in a week and laugh about how stupid he’d been with Kieren, mocking his own words and actions, and in a fortnight, he wanted it to be forgotten. He wanted to be a friend again. He wanted to be worthy of Kieren’s friendship.

What he was now… Rick wasn’t worth anything to anyone.

**Author's Note:**

> This was such a brilliant quote to be given for inspiration. I can imagine Rick really struggling to come to terms with his feelings for Kieren, believing there to be something wrong with himself. I just hope I did the idea justice.


End file.
